In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
