allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
