then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
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Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
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If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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