My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My life is pants optional.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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