you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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