cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
