Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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