I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
soo... how was my night?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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