Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
