My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
