Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
