Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
