I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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