my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
