In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
