Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
