I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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