Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
