I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
