if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
