So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
im having a threesome with these popsicles
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
