if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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