my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person