I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
