I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
