I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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