my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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