mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
