OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
should my penis look like a turkey
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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