How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish I only lived at night.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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