the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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