Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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