I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
