oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
