Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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