Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize