I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
