I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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