The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
