Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
