ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
