me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
