Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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