This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My cat gives me a boner
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We're too hungover to prance.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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