Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
