I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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