You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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