id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
