Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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