The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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