just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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