dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
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I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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