She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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