Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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