So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
