I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
