dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
