I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
