he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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