It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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